you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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