i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
