omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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