so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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