Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
