she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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