What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
