If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
