I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
