Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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