I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
