He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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