Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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