dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Mom said you looked used
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
