Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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