grandma shit on top of the toilet
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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