I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
