before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
