saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
