I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
