last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
