im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
