we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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