literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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