shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
