I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
