Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
