i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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