So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
