I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
