It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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