Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
