capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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