why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Drunk is not a location!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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