I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
