Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
