yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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