The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
