Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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