just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
