You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I smell like Dick and happiness
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
