I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
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I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
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Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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