Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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