i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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