remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
