life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
