Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
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do you know where my other puke covered boot is
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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