I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
