um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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