Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
3 2 1 whiskey
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
