I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
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that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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