I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
