I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
