It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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