4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
