I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
do herpes really smell.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
