i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
