I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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