Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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