She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
