They should really pass out barf bags in church
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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