He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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