His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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